I've been gone a long time. It's been a dark, unpleasant time, but I'm ready to let the light in again. Today the renewal began with a shower. Suffice it to say that I hadn't showered for too many days - it's one of my signs of inner deterioration. For some reason I like to look as miserable as I feel. I decided I was ready for a shower because I'm sick of being sick.
I'm tired of being tired. I've spent too much of this last month in bed, and trigger after trigger has rerouted me to Square One. I'm heavier, I've been skipping yoga, and sometimes I get so angry that I scare myself.
We found out this week that my thyroid isn't functioning properly because of my lithium. I might (read: probably) have hypothyroidism, which will require another medication. Unfortunately, I can't be on the medication long-term. This means I'll have to eventually go off my lithium and find a substitute. While I'm thankful that I don't have to make that transition now, when I'm getting ready to move to college, it's frustrating and upsetting knowing that the change is coming.
I've also really struggled with body image recently. When I was younger, I was naturally slim. I could eat pretty much what I wanted, and I didn't exercise. I was lucky. Now, I'm watching what I eat, I'm exercising, and I'm gaining weight. Some of that is probably because of puberty, but most of it is probably due to medication. I recently donated several boxes of my clothes to Goodwill because the items can't fit my post-medication body. Some days I don't want to get out of bed because I don't want to get dressed. My mom and I are trying to fix that - we're going to get a few new pieces for my college wardrobe that will fit this body.
The thyroid problem explains some of my depression, the weight-gain, and the fatigue. In the past month, my schedule seems to revolve around naps. I wake up after ten hours of sleep exhausted and sluggish. I barely function. I exist.
Here's a disturbing image for you: Like a woman in labor that has lasted for 15 hours too many, I'm ready to push. I'm ready to push myself out of this funk. I think it's time for a rebirth.
I want to fill my life with creativity and friendship again. I want to work on my projects and prepare for my new, exciting life at college. I want to spend time with people whose company I enjoy. I want to wake up feeling refreshed instead of drained.
I know these are lofty aspirations, but I think they are worthy. I'm going to do my best to work with my support system to achieve these goals. This blog will serve as documentation of the process, so stay tuned!
P.S. Thank you to all of the people who have reached out or thought of me during this difficulty time. I'm sorry I haven't been quite myself, but thank you for your patience. Sending lots of love your way!
P.P.S. Welcome to all my new followers! I promise things won't be quite as dull over here.