Sometimes I Am Disabled

Most people who know me know that I am bipolar. When it comes up in conversation, I don't mind sharing. I'm happy to answer questions, and I am always willing to be an advocate. Not much of my private life is actually private. On my blog I admit to having bipolar, OCD, and EDNOS. I confess to self-harm. My two in-patient hospitalizations are forever recorded on the Internet.

Despite this claim of transparency, I have a very difficult time showing that I actively struggle with these issues. I would like to present myself as a successful portrait of mental illness. The major mood swings, the cutting, the starving and purging - all elements of my past. I am "stable." Just look at me! I go to class, I have straight As, I am involved in activities. I exert a lot of effort trying to appear well-adjusted. I've been working towards being on the cover of Time, plastered on the front a box of cereal, and featured on 60 Minutes with the claim that I "conquered" mental illness.

Unfortunately, my type-A personality has set an impossible goal. I have a disability, and sometimes that means I am disabled. I am not stable right now. I have been struggling with my mood swings again. I have been having severe physical reactions to stress. But, I am learning, this does not detract from my message of advocacy. Part of representing the many individuals with mental illness is acknowledging the suffering, the heartbreak, and the difficulties that are a part of daily life.

Stability is not a magic status that occurs once you have logged a certain number of hours. Healing is a process. That process includes ups and downs. There was at least a solid month when I felt very good, but now I do not feel very good. In fact, I feel pretty bad. My blog is a place where I can acknowledge the good and the bad. It is not my job to always be a beacon of hope.

I am a human with unfortunate brain chemistry. I can live a meaningful life, I can be an advocate, and I can be a writer, but I will have days that will be lost to my illness. These lost days do not detract from my message; they are part of my message. Despite my struggles, aches, and losses, my net effect is positive. My failures amplify my triumphs, just as the rain makes the rainbow that much more beautiful. Bipolar has taught me that nothing is all good or all bad, but everything is temporary. Glean what you can from this moment, because you do not know what the next moment will bring.

So let's share these moments: the manic, the hypomanic, the stable, the depressed, the devastating, and all of the shades in between. Let's share the milestones and mistakes. We can celebrate and mourn simultaneously. It is most important that we create a community of acceptance for all states of our illness, including our wellness.

In the comments, I invite you to share one aspect of your life that is going well and one that is challenging you. For example, I am celebrating six months of being self-harm free, but I am struggling with exercising.

High School

I did NOT take this photo. This is from Rock n Roll Revival last year, but it captures the spirit of the show better than any other image I could create myself. It was taken by Connor Smith.

Last night, I attended Rock n Roll Revival XXV at my old high school. RnR is the glistening jewel of Severna Park, outshining all other local events. Forty songs are performed over the course of two acts, and the singers, dancers, and band members are all students - except for the one faculty number. The talent is incredible. Each year I've been overwhelmed by seeing what my musically-minded classmates are capable of.

Yesterday something else overwhelmed me, too. As I walked across the parking lot to our car, my ears still slightly ringing, I felt sadness. There was a lump in my throat. What can I say of my high school experience? I never auditioned for RnR - the closest I got was signing up for an audition slot and crossing my name off the day of because I was too afraid. I never tried out for any sports. I have very few friends from that time in my life. There were no crowning achievements, no ribbons or trophies, no scrapbooks full of happy memories.

When I was alone with my dad, I told him about my feelings. "You were sick," he explained. "It would be more unfortunate if high school was the high point of your life."

He has a point. It's hard to make friends, join clubs, or audition for roles when you can't even convince yourself of your own worth. How do you make yourself appealing to a potential friend when you are disgusted by yourself? I didn't go to prom or graduation because I didn't feel any sort of attachment to my peers. I had enclosed myself in a box. I had withdrawn from everyone. Some nights I would get very upset that no one wanted to be my friend, but when anyone tried to get close to me, I pushed them away. Depression has a way of isolating you when you most need friendship.

I cannot let myself think how different high school would have been for me if I had had my bipolar disorder under control. To me, those years are lost. There are a few glimmering moments of happiness, most of them involving academics or discussions with my teachers. Despite my efforts to limit my closeness with others, I have a couple of very good friends. Overall, however, those years are marred by depression and mania.

Even though seeing RnR saddened me, I'm thankful I had to the opportunity to attend. I felt rare pride for my community, a place that I normally see as obsessed with athletic competitions and standardized test scores. My hometown is full of very, very talented young men and women. The best part is, I don't think RnR will be the high point of their lives. There is so much more in store for people with that kind of pure talent coupled with motivation.

So whether you shined at high school or just survived, I firmly believe there is more. I am finding happiness at college, where stability has finally allowed me to pursue the activities I enjoy. Soon I'll be playing softball again with a team from my dorm. I get to write all of the time. I'm making a difference through Active Minds, a club I'm involved in that helps fight the stigmatizing of mental illness. 

Things are getting better. High school is not the end.

STOP

Today I'm going to bring to light a secret I've been harboring. My therapist says, "You're only as sick as your secrets." I briefly mentioned this secret in the post I wrote about losing my religion, but I am ready to share a few more details.

When I was in tenth grade, I was sexually harassed by one of my classmates. It climaxed in an altercation that occurred after my first experience drinking alcohol unsupervised, and then persisted as a series of lesser incidents that involved inappropriate touching and what I have determined to be stalking.

Today I would like to focus on the lesser incidents. It started with an "innocent" hand on my knee, and progressed. I was told that this was happening because I was single and this was the best that I could get, that this is what I deserved. It happened on public transportation in front on many people, but I never had the courage to get up a move. I never made a scene. I sat in the same seat every day,   dreading what became the routine.

I was fourteen years old. I was very smart. My parents had talked to me about what to do if an older man tried to touch me inappropriately.

But I wasn't prepared when the person touching me was a classmate, my peer. I knew it was wrong, but I did not possess the proper context to handle my situation. I was timid. I didn't have the courage to make a scene.

So how do you confront someone who is in your class and you see every day? The same way you would confront a stranger who would treat you with such blatant disrespect. The following image that I have created applies to anyone who touches you when you don't want him or her to: friend, family member, classmate, or stranger.

Feel free to share this image on Pinterest, Tumblr, Facebook, etc. We need to teach people that they do not have to live in fear. It took years for me to "get over" what happened, and I still don't feel entirely comfortable sharing that part of my story. I think we're all ready for things to change.

Fighting the Inertia of Depression

This past weekend, I had a minor depressed episode. I spent most of my two days off in bed. I'd eventually stumble out to get some food or go to the bathroom, but I spent too much time between my sheets. My energy was low. I had a hard time accomplishing anything. All I wanted to do was sleep. The inertia of depression is powerful! By Sunday afternoon, I had had enough. There was work to be done, and goals to be accomplished. Here's what I did:

Get some light. Turn on the lights, open the blinds, get that vitamin D. It is very hard to get out of bed when you're in the dark.

Just get out of bed. Easier said than done, I understand. But as soon as you get one foot on the floor, the other will follow.

Make the bed. You will be less likely to crawl back under the covers if the bed is made.

Clean up. Take a shower, wash your face, put on a little makeup if you want to. Get presentable, even if you're not going anywhere.

Get dressed. Again, even if you are staying home, put on some pants.

Eat. Fill up your belly with some protein, some carbs, and a little fat. If you need caffeine, get your fix.

Fight the urge. Look how far you've come! Don't you dare get back in that bed!

Accomplish whatever you can. So maybe you're not ready to conquer that huge essay, but can you do some other work? Are there simple tasks to be done? Can a big project be broken down into simple steps?

Reward yourself. I like to give myself fruit snacks when I do what I'm supposed to do. Find something small and sweet to keep you motivated. You can also give yourself five minutes of social media time, but make sure you stick to five minutes.

Exercise. Take a break to get your blood pumping. Take a 15-20 minute walk.

Get a pep talk. Call or text someone you care about.

Stay where you are. If you keep getting the urge to go back to bed, stay in your spot. Sit at your desk until the urge passes. Distract yourself by watching a quick YouTube video or reading a blog post. If you need to, get up and clean something. Do the dishes, put away your clothes, anything but get back in bed.

At the end of the day, reward yourself with a good night's sleep. You earned it! You will sleep better at night if you don't sleep all day, and you will wake up in the morning rested.

It's very difficult to fight the desire to stay in bed. Sometimes we need some extra time under the covers, but it's important to know when it's becoming excessive. When we stay in bed too long, we lose control of other areas of our life like school and work, which only makes things worse. When we get out of bed, we are saying yes to ourselves and yes to our priorities. We are fighting depression!

How do you fight the urge to stay in bed all day? I'd love to hear your thoughts! 

Dear Self: How to Improve Your Morning

Totoro struggles on Mondays...

Did you have a rough start to your day? Monday mornings seem to rarely treat us kindly. I've tried going to bed earlier, picking my outfit the night before, and making sure my bag is already packed, but my mornings still don't go smoothly.

Part of the problem is that I wake up with Sunday night's anxiety weighing over me. I'm worried about how my week will start and whether or not everything will be checked off of my to do list. It's terrible to wake up and immediately feel overwhelmed.

It's important to start each day fresh and appreciate the morning for what it is: an opportunity. Yes, there are obligations to fulfill and duties to be performed, but we can address them in a way that reinforces self love and acceptance.

Over my winter break, I experimented a few times with writing letters to myself that I would read first thing in the morning - before my feet even touched the floor. The purpose was to remind me to take care of myself. Here is an example letter:

Good morning, Jenna!

I hope you had a good sleep. There are lots of important things to do today. Start by taking care of yourself - get squeaky clean! Then set up your room to look just how you want it. Make sure you take care of the pups, too! Work on your blog, take some pictures, read, write those emails. You can do it!

Don't forget to eat something yummy. You need to be full when you work on calculus in the afternoon.

It's okay if you have bad thoughts: try to relax, take your PRN if you need to, and remember to breathe.

Today is going to be a good day. You are going to work hard and have fun. You are wonderful. You deserve to be alive. You will have happy moments. 

:)

P.S. It is okay to take ONE nap if you need it.


It's not a miracle cure for morning agitation, but it is certainly helpful! Writing to myself felt awkward at first. Over time, it got easier. I allowed myself to say cheesy thing like "You deserve to be alive" because I need to hear that sometimes!

I would encourage you all to try to write a note to yourself tonight. It doesn't have to be an epistle of Biblical proportions; a Post-It note may suffice. Be kind to yourself and see what happens!

Suffering

One of the concepts we have been discussing in my Leading a Life That Matters course as we read Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl is human suffering. As a class, we have determined that virtually every human being suffers. There is no weakness in that assessment; suffering is an unavoidable fact of life. 

While Frankl wrote about his suffering in Nazi concentration camps, the concepts are applicable to all kinds of suffering: divorce, loss of a pet, mental illness. Just like other sufferers, we do not choose to suffer. However, by being human and having agency, we can choose how to react. We can find meaning in our suffering.

Do not waste your time comparing your suffering to another's. This only increases unnecessary pain. When I was first diagnosed, I was so absorbed in my own suffering that I could not empathize with others. I was frustrated by the "trivial suffering"of my high school classmates. This was wrong of me. Their suffering was very real to them, and it mattered just as much as mine did. Similarly, it is not helpful to belittle your own suffering. Pain is real, and it does not make sense to deny it simply because there are others experiencing more. Your pain matters.

Once we accept our suffering, we are able to make it meaningful. I have chosen to derive meaning from my diagnosis by writing a blog. Spreading awareness and acting as an advocate allows me to find purpose. For me, this means that the tears, the episodes, and the fights were not in vain. I assign them meaning: they were my journey. Those events, that suffering, helped me become the writer I am now. I don't know what the meaning of life is, but I know that it is possible to find meaning in our lives. Despite our struggles, we can live lives of purpose. We can make a difference. We can create change.

How have you found meaning in your suffering? How do your struggles give your life purpose?

Do  you have a mental or physical health issue and are interested in being an advocate? Look out for my new blogging series, where I'll be teaching you how to start a blog, write content, and find an audience. 

3 Tips for Getting Along with Your Roommate

One of the best aspects of college life is living with my roommate, Kathleen. We had a lot of fun this weekend, so I thought I'd put together a list of three ways to help you and your roommate get along!

Go on adventures together. This picture was taken on a snow day. Instead of staying in bed, we decided to venture through the flurries to see the sun rise. We didn't end up seeing anything, but it was a fun bonding experience. We've just started going to the gym together, and we often grab meals (pizza bagels!) side by side. It's much more fun to have a partner in crime, even if you're doing something as simple as going to the dining hall or taking a walk around campus.

Prank each other. This little imp was a gift from when I served on the NAMI Panel. Kathleen and I can't get over how demonic he is. We take turns hiding him around the room and scaring each other. I was falling asleep one night and I reached under my pillow to find HIM. He is currently nameless, so feel free to leave suggestions in the comments. This freak needs a baptism stat.

Talk about mental health. Kathleen knows about my diagnosis, and she knows about most of my symptoms. Transparency is so much easier than attempting to hide it from her! Living with another person also serves as great motivation to get up in the morning. On days when I'm feeling depressed and would rather stay in bed, seeing Kathleen getting ready for the day motivates me to do the same. We also talk about pretty much everything: how we're feeling, things that stress us out, weird things we see on tumblr... I'm ecstatic to live with someone who is a mental health advocate like I am. We have big plans for the world!

There was a time when I wanted to go to college and live in a single dorm. I'm glad I didn't make that choice. I may be an introvert, but I do not enjoy being alone all the time! Even now, Kathleen and I are both working independently on our laptops. We're not interacting, but I treasure her company. Being able to turn to her at any time to share something funny I've found, ask a question, or make plans has turned out to be a major part of my freshman experience. My final word of advice to future college students: don't rule out a roommate. You just might end up with an awesome friend.

Fame

My early modeling career

I'm currently in an honors seminar called, "Leading a Life That Matters." Despite meeting only twice, the course is already changing the way I think. On Thursday, we began to discuss what makes a life meaningful. We touched on how it seems that many people do not feel that their life is meaningful unless they are famous. This thought resonated with me.

I can't remember the first time I wanted to be famous; it's always been that way. Watching shows like American Idol reaffirmed my belief that it was possible for normal people to be "discovered." There was tension between my parents and me; I begged them to take me to America so that I could audition to be an actress or model. I was infuriated by their unwillingness to help me rise to fame.

The search for fame infiltrated my bipolar disorder. I remember one manic episode when I thought I was on the verge of being discovered. As my family walked around the mall, I tried to do my best "model walk" and showed off my smile. Anyone could be the undercover modeling agent!  I had another manic episode years later when I thought I actually was famous. I was up at four in the morning writing responses to my "fan mail" and trying to organize my next great project. Thank goodness that episode didn't last long.

When I am stable, I still think about fame. I want my message of mental health to have maximum exposure. Does this mean being famous? Maybe. I would love to have the opportunity to talk about mental illness on television with someone like Ellen Degeneres. Stories like mine need to be heard in order to eradicate stigma.

But right now, my story is being heard. I receive emails and comments from friends, family, and strangers who have been affected by my writing. I don't need an arena full of people, a cable network of viewers, or red carpet to make a difference. My life is meaningful because I choose to be content with the influence I have right now.

I don't know what the future holds for The Awkward Indie Girl. I'll take whatever comes to me, but if this is as far as I can ever go, I'll keep blogging. I don't need fame for meaning; I've already found it.

Intention

In yoga, we often set an intention for our practice. Sometimes part of that intention is a dedication. Dedicating our practice to someone or something can provide us with focus and strength. 

Tonight is the eve of beginning of spring semester. I am back in my dorm with Kathleen, and I am settled. I've already napped in my bed and cleaned myself in our shower. I am back home.

This semester is very different from the last. I have a new roommate, a new major, and a new outlook on life. The past couple of days have challenged me, but I am still secure in my stability. I am learning that I can be sad without slipping into depression, that I can be joyful without soaring into mania. My pills do not numb me to the world of emotion; they only make the journey less extreme.

I would like to take this opportunity to set an intention for the upcoming semester. I will study and explore my interests. I dedicate my practice to myself, not in an act of selfish, but as a way to affirm my worth. This semester, I will live and learn for myself.

I invite you to also set an intention for whatever you are currently experiencing. Feel free to dedicate your practice to yourself, to a friend or family member who has provided you with strength and comfort, to someone in need.

Namaste.

Risk: Coming Out

Just like a game of Risk, coming out about your mental illness takes courage and planning. You sometimes rely on the strength of your allies, calculate the effects of stigma, and develop a strategy. Who to tell, how much to tell, when to talk.

Since my diagnosis, I have decided to be very open about my disorder. I make a conscious effort to share my experiences with others in the hope that someone might be inspired to share his or her own story. I remember talking to my therapist about friends, family, strangers, and future employers finding my blog and learning that I have bipolar and OCD. I was concerned that people would reject me or avoid me based on what they found out on my blog. I feared judgment.

I have been "out" online for about a year now, and my fears have not materialized. I have not been judged, rejected, or hurt because of my honesty. On the contrary, I have been overwhelmed with support and love. There is much less stigma than I thought there would be. Yes, stigma exists, and when you hear that "people with bipolar are just moody and acting out for attention," it feels awful. Unfortunately, there is a lot of misinformation.

When we make the decision to come out and share our stories, we are educating others. We are showing them what our lives look like. It is difficult and sometimes painful. There are aspects of my illness that I am not ready to share online. What is important is knowing that because it is your story, you are the editor. You share what you want to share. Just because you decided to share a part of your story does not make you obligated to share the entire thing.

If you have not yet dared to tell others about your mental health, I challenge you to reach out to one person this week. Tell them in your own way - in conversation, in writing, whatever makes the most sense to you. You don't have to go all out and start a blog, but if you want to, go for it!

Have you come out? How did you do it?

How to Be FIERCE

I've always loved the look of winged eyeliner, but I could never do it myself. I have tons of pictures saved in a folder on my computer that are waiting to be used as inspiration.

Last week, my friend, Megan, came over. She happens to be fantastic with makeup. In fact, she did the makeup for the photo series I did called, "What Does Mental Illness Look Like?"She advised me on which eyeliner to buy, and then she taught me how to use it.

I know that this is an intense, dramatic look, but I LOVE IT. At first I felt awkward saying it, but I really feel more like myself with these wings! Megan explained it best. She said that makeup can show the world how you feel about yourself inside. I have always been a dramatic person, and I love that my makeup can show that in a way that makes me feel attractive and fierce!

So maybe you don't like the way my makeup looks. That's fine; it's not for everyone. But I would encourage you to find some way to make yourself feel fierce. Maybe it's the color of your hair, a cool graphic tee, or a sexy new bra. It doesn't have to be as visible as mine. It can even be a little quote you keep in your wallet or picture that reminds you to feel awesome. It doesn't matter what it is, as long as it makes you feel good.

And remember, h8rs gonna h8. Not everyone is going to like your choices. However, your opinion is the only one that matters when it comes to your appearance. It is your body. That means you get to do whatever you want with it. Enjoy, and remember to be fierce!

If you're wondering, I use Stila's Stay All Day Waterproof Liquid Eyeliner in Intense Black. I bought mine at ULTA for about $20.

You can check out Megan's makeup work here.

(Also, it looks like I've been wearing that Penn State sweatshirt too much. Those pictures were taken on three different days. Sheesh!)

Diversity & Civility

Over the past few days, I have gone through Towson orientation. I've found out where my classes are, participated in convocation, discovered where to eat on campus, and met with my academic advisor. But the most important lesson I learned was in diversity and civility.

300 of us sat in plastic chairs, chatting to avoid betraying our nervousness. We knew the names of a few people, but we were still uncomfortable. We obsessed over our insecurities and secrets. We lacked perspective.

Perspective came to us in the form of a minimalistic powerpoint. The presentation was a silent game. A question would appear on the screen that took the form of, "Who in the room ...?" If the question applied to you, you stood up. We began with, "Who in the room was born and raised in Maryland?" Next came, "Who in the room was born and raised on the East Coast?", "Who in the room was born and raised on the West Coast?", and "Who in the room was born and raised outside of the United States?"

I saw other students with international backgrounds like me stand, and even though we were a minority, I felt comforted. To at least one other person in the room, America also seemed a little foreign. 

Next came questions of race and income level. We stood up to show our gender, sexual orientation, whether or not we had experienced violence, alcoholism, and drug abuse in our homes, whether or not we had a disability, and many other parts of our lives that have profoundly affected who we are, but that might not often be shared.

As we were led through the slides, I noticed people I knew from my graduating class back home stand up, revealing parts of their lives I didn't know. One of the people who stood up was a person I had  judged back in high school. A wave of humility washed over me, soaking me from head to foot. This was a person I had made assumptions about, when truly I knew nothing.

At the conclusion of the exercise, we were told to discuss for a minute how we felt with the person sitting next to us. I felt myself choke up. How could I explain the mixture of comfort, shame, relief, and community that I was experiencing in only 60 seconds?

That's why I decided to blog about this topic today. I need more than 60 seconds.

I need to highlight the importance of this lesson, especially for those of us who live with disabilities such as mental illness. From the outside, no one can tell what we've been through. No one knows about the sleepless nights, the pills, and the heartbreak. No one, that is, unless you let them.

I would encourage you to share your experiences with others. There are others who understand what you've experienced, and there are even more who want to understand. You don't have to share more than you feel comfortable with, but let me emphasize how good it feels to release your secret. Sharing with others helps them feel comfortable sharing with you. Be a listener, not a judger. When we share our secrets, they shed their status and become simply "truths." They are stated plainly instead of whispered. The community is enriched. Everyone is welcomed to an environment where they can thrive.

Diversity consists of the qualities that separate us from some and unite us with others, and civility is accepting these qualities and using them to make positive change. This how I learned to incorporate both into my life. I hope you do, too!

Spread Your Wings

I received a very heartfelt request for advice, and I'm going to do my best to offer some tonight. The question was in response to my Living For You post. Here is the question:

"I don't exactly know why I'm responding to this specific post or at all, but this idea about living for you (or in my case myself) has been my biggest struggle. I've been dealing with my depression and suicidal thoughts since elementary school and i mainly stifled it by throwing everything i am into other people (on top of other things) But on my own I've been trying to do more for me and I'm not sure how i can balance it out because when i focus on me, i tend to do things that aren't healthy, like drinking and pain killers and sex outside of my serious, committed relationship . I can feel myself regress and i can tell I'm pulling away from people again. It just feels like I'm incapable of taking small steps to being a self sustaining individual. I'm scared to be in that really dark place again. I just want to know how you've taken those steps for you and strategies you may have been using to cope. i just don't want to end up tearing apart my skin and thrown into a hospital again. ... I've just been struggling to do the same thing you're struggling with for years and it always ends bad. advice? "

First of all, I'm sorry that you've been going through so much - especially from such an early age. When we get accustomed to feeling bad, it can be difficult to break the pattern. The pathways in our brains that connect these poor feelings become overused and it can be difficult to form new, happier pathways (A doctor explained this to me. I'm no neuroscientist). But you've already decided that you want to feel better, and that's the most important part. Because you want to feel good, you deserve to feel good. It doesn't matter what you've done in the past, who you've slept with, what you've had to drink, what pills you've taken. You deserve it.

There are a few steps you can take to cope with those dark feelings. First, determine what your triggers are and avoid them as best you can. Some triggers, like homework, can't be avoided. Give yourself permission to ease up on these ones. Digest them in small bites, and reward yourself when you handle the situation in a healthy way. Second, find positive influences. Maybe it's a new person you're getting to know, a TV show that makes you really happy, or a blog that inspires you. Enjoy these peaceful elements of your life. Third, trust yourself with small responsibilities. Show yourself how good, kind, and helpful you are. Make one of those cheesy lists of positive things about yourself and hang it up in your room. Read it every day. Make a list of reasons you want to stay alive, why you want to fight for a healthy tomorrow, and hang that list up too. Fourth, take care of yourself - physically and mentally. Try a new type of exercise (of course I'll recommend yoga), take a long bath, talk to someone you trust. If you feel comfortable, talk to your doctor/psychiatrist/therapist and revise your treatment plan. It might turn out that you need medication or that you need medication adjusted. In my situation, my depression had lasted for so long that I needed medication to get my chemical levels back to normal. 

I understand your concern about focusing on yourself. Instead of thinking of "focusing on you" as doing whatever you want or whatever feels good, think of it as doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. It's not always fun to focus on yourself, but in the long-run, it will get you farther.

When you focus on yourself, when you are working hard towards being healthy and happy, good things will start to happen. I'm not promising miracles, but you'll start to notice changes in yourself. You'll have more confidence in your health and in your decisions. For the first time in a while, (at least for me) you won't be afraid to be yourself. You'll finally be able to spread your wings and enjoy life. This is the best part. This is your reward.

At this point in time, I feel like I'm just starting to poke out my little wings and test the air. I've discovered what I really love - creating digital content - and I'm pursuing it. I still have tough, moody days. It's a struggle, but I'm already getting a taste of how fun and meaningful life can be, too.

I hope this answers your question and helps you out. Remember, you deserve to feel good. It sounds kind of funny to say, but it's true. You're a human, and that's one of your rights.

Living for You

In yesterday's post, I mentioned how my inspiration for getting help was my brother. Truthfully, he was my primary motivation for staying alive at that time. I wanted today's post to offer an update, as well as to provide an opportunity to talk about the positives and negatives of living for yourself vs living for someone else.

When my mood was at its worst, when my thoughts were the scariest, I was not capable of believing in myself. Honestly, I didn't believe that I was worth it. I didn't value myself as a person; I thought I was too damaged and weak. My brother gave me purpose. Staying alive for him, I thought, was more noble than staying alive for myself. I am proof that in times of dire need, we can temporarily sustain ourselves by living for others.

Although much was remedied during my hospitalization, I still had to work towards achieving wellness once I got home. Thoughts of self harm still crept up. I avoided hurting myself, however, by promising my boyfriend that I wouldn't do anything. I kept myself safe for him - not myself. This wasn't a problem until our relationship ended. Who would I not cut for now? Lacking answers, I made a painful mistake.

This past week, I've noticed a change. I see the reminder of what I did, and I'm confused and a little embarrassed. Because I know that I deserve better. I deserve to not hurt myself.

***

I've always been a "people pleaser." We talk about this in therapy pretty often. I overextend myself by refusing to say no and I sacrifice my own comfort for others'. It sounds noble, but it's really just crummy. Part of being a people pleaser has involved me valuing others more than I value myself. This ties into my feelings of not wanting to live for myself. Living for yourself requires you to be a little selfish sometimes and to limit how much you try to fulfill others' expectations.

Today, I tried to live for myself. I didn't shave my legs to go to a scholarship luncheon because I just didn't want to and no one there should be looking at my legs that closely anyway. I went to therapy. I went to yoga. I helped my brother with math not because I owe him, but because I love him. Today, I feel worth it.

Living for yourself is not about being a pretentious poop. It's about recognizing, as my yoga instructor would say, the divinity within yourself. That divinity is just something that you recognize that is more powerful than you are. It can be beauty, art, music, science, service, friendship, family, or anything else that moves you. Just know that a little part of that lives in your heart, and because of it, you are stronger. Recognize what makes you divine.

***

I confess that part of my motivation for telling you about my recent regression is to keep myself accountable. I recognize that I am a fallible human being, and that this is just one of the many mistakes I will make in my lifetime. I think that even though I made this mistake, I did the right thing by telling my mom and therapist and recommitting to my desire to have a safe, healthy life for me.

The Healing Power of Friendship

From Left to Right: Marie, Oreo, Giselle, Bear, Glory, Totoro, Lamby, and Pooh

I've done more with friends during the past week than I had in the past six months. Each day I've done something with special people, and it's making me feel so great that I have to share!

"Hanging out" used to freak me out. I hated it. This was partially due to paranoia, and partially due to my introverted nature. For me, paranoia takes the form of thinking that my friends and family members hate me and wish that I were dead. I constantly felt like the awkward +1 and doubted whether anyone even wanted me there. I used to try as hard as I could not to use the bathroom while hanging out because I was terrified that when I left the room to pee, everyone would talk about how much they just wanted me to go home.

Since I'm not feeling paranoid right now, I can understand how ridiculous and unhealthy these thought patterns seem. Obviously my friends want to spend time with me like I want to spend time with them. They don't want me to die, and they don't want me to go home so they can have more fun. I'm sure I can be annoying just like everyone else can (especially when I'm manic and laughing like a hyena), but true friends overlook those things. 

Actively fighting my paranoia has allowed me to spend more time with great people. I've been able to completely relax while hanging out, and staying busy means less time in bed feeling sorry for myself. As Sean Covey would say, win-win! Spending time with others is also helping me value myself more as an individual. I am starting to realize that I am someone that is (usually) enjoyable to be around. Note: This does not apply when I haven't had enough sleep.

While it can be downright painful to step out of our comfort zones and face people instead of the TV, it's absolutely necessary. Talking with others forces us to challenge the stories we've been telling ourself about why we're not good enough or plain not worth it. Gaining comfort in social situations is a slow process, and I haven't transformed into an extrovert. I still enjoy my alone time a lot, but leaving the house and talking with interesting people has been a rejuvenating experience. I still usually need a nap afterwards, but overall I feel much more positive. Everyone says that humans are social creatures and require interaction, and I'm finally understanding that I am not exception to this rule. I think even the most introverted among us can benefit from social interaction. It's all about finding the right people with whom to share your time, and luckily, I've found them.

Girl Power

Being Your Own Superhero, featuring My Neighbor Totoro

Today's post has been rolling around in my head for days. It's no secret that I've been dealing with feelings of misery and self-pity. I have been having many "If Only" thoughts. Feelings that someone else could fix my situation and make me happy. That other people are depriving me or my happiness.

It's about time that this princess woke the heck up, huh? Talk about high-maintenance. 

Instead of waiting for a superhero to save me, maybe I should be my own superhero. After all, it only takes two steps to become one:

1. Believe that you are super.

2. Believe you are worth saving.

You don't even have to get off of the couch for those first two steps!

It can be frustrating and difficult to take responsibility for your own happiness, and for that reason, it's okay to get some help from cuddly friends like Totoro. There is, however, a fine line between receiving some assistance with an imaginary Japanese pep talk and relying on someone else completely.

I am guilty of putting too much pressure on other people to help me overcome bad feelings. I'll admit that sometimes my depression can make me feel extremely hopeless. In those times, it's okay to lean on the ones you love and allow them to help you care for yourself. It's the in-between times that are trickier. The times when you are the only one who can push yourself to get out of bed, take your medication, and start your day. Sometimes there is no choice when it comes to moods, but other times, there are small actions we can take to push ourselves into a better mood or limit the effects of negative thoughts.

For example, I was in bed the other day and I just kept thinking about how much everyone hates me and would be happier if I weren't around. I just lay there for twenty-something minutes feeling bad for myself and making myself cry. Way to go, team!

I finally realized that although my mood might be depressed, I was choosing to entertain these thoughts. To reduce them, all I would have to do was get out of bed and distract myself. So I watched Freaks and Geeks with my mom. No, I'm not getting a Nobel Prize this year, but I was able to ameliorate my situation slightly. That's what a superhero does.

Today, I am renewing my promise to myself to be my own superhero. To look out for myself, have healthy self-worth, and fight against bad moods. I know that while I am not perfect, there are some pretty super things about me. I am smart, fun to be around, and a loyal friend. I am worth saving because I am going to accomplish great things. I am going to write books and teach children.

Don't underestimate your own abilities and your own potential. I used to be the kid who couldn't come up with something to say to compliment myself. I always settled on "nice" because it didn't seem too intense. Forget that! You can be an amazing person and know it! I mean, you're a superhero, aren't you?

***

I just read this on Tumblr and couldn't keep it to myself:

You occupy space and have mass.

Therefore, you matter.

Just a reminder and a thank you about my Q&A session:

Thank you to everyone that has already sent in questions! 

I will be posting them all with answers on Thursday.

If you have a mental health-related question (or two!) that you would like me to answer, send me an email at:

theawkwardindiegirl@gmail.com

Thank you for reading today!

Jenna

100 Things to Make You Happy

After yesterday's serious subject matter, I thought I'd write about something a little lighter today.

***

In British Glamour I stumbled upon an article called "100 Things to Make You Happy." I enjoyed reading their list so much that I decided to make my own! I think we could all use a little happiness inspiration - especially when there's snow on the ground!

Activities

Play a musical instrument

Draw a picture

Read a book

Take photos

Try a new recipe

Spend Time With

A friend

A family member

A newborn

Some adorable puppies

A kitten with attitude

Songs by Women

 Stronger - Kelly Clarkson

We are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together - Taylor Swift

Anything Could Happen - Ellie Goulding

Shake It Out - Florence & the Machine

Call Me Maybe - Carly Rae Jepsen

Songs by Men

Uptown Girl - Billy Joel

Together Forever - Rick Astley

Subtraction - Coheed & Cambria

Suitcase - Circa Survive

Gangnam Style - Psy

Movies

Mean Girls

Toy Story

The Cider House Rules

Star Wars

Batman Begins

TV Shows

Breaking Bad

Adventuretime

Community

Doctor Who

The Daily Show

Books

Bossy Pants by Tina Fey

1Q84 by Haruki Murakami

Looking for Alaska by John Green

Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris

Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi

YouTubers

SavedByTheMerv

CollegeHumor

JennaMarbles

HelloKatyxo

JuicyStar07

Blogs of Note

KittySnooks

The Militant Baker

Bleubird

Delightfully Tacky

Style Rookie

Games

Dungeons and Dragons

Cosmic Encounter

Resistance

Time's Up!

Bang!

PC/Video Games

Minecraft

League of Legends

Journey

Closure

Super Mario

Sweet Foods

Hot chocolate

Ice cream

Chocolate chip cookies

M&Ms

Smoothies

Savory Foods

Pasta with pesto

Pad thai

Mashed potatoes

Fajitas

French bread

Places to Go

Zoo

Park

Beach

Library

Movie theater

Keeping In Touch

Reconnect on Facebook

Send a letter

Make a phone call

Send a text

Skype

Sports

Running

Volleyball

Soccer

Football

Lacrosse

Comics

Bizarro

Calvin and Hobbes

Dilbert

Peanuts

The Family Circus

Magazines

Nylon

Vogue

National Geographic

Wired

Vanity Fair

Try a New Language

French

Spanish

Arabic

German

Italian

Things You Didn't Outgrow

Disney movies and cartoons

Blowing bubbles

Moon bounces

The alphabet game

Taking a catnap (cat optional)

Obviously, a list of one hundred things doesn't even begin to cover the innumerable possibilities.

Please feel free to leave your own ideas and recommendations in the comments.

I hope your day is full of happiness!