It's only after we finally step away from the precipice and our hearts stop racing that we can pause to reflect. It's impossible to have any meaningful introspection when we are in survival mode. Talk of the past and future is pointless; it only aggravates and offends.
Today, I am at a point where reflection is possible. I'm sitting in bed, and I am enjoying the "snow" day while listening to French music and blogging. Just a couple of weeks ago I would not have been able to imagine such serenity.
While it seems we managed to harness the beast of mania with medication, feral depression roamed free and began to attack my routine. I've said it before, but depression is so much more than being sad. It's devastating. It's losing your personality, your spark, and your passion to a bottomless pit within your own body. My greatest frustration with this disease is that it lives within me, and it affects the way I am able to perceive myself and my situation. I couldn't go to school. Sometimes I couldn't even watch TV. My parents, brother, and boyfriend put up with more tears and sobs than anyone should be forced to handle. As a family, we contemplated hospitalization again. This time we decided I would stay home and they would create a safe environment for me. For the third time, my parents had to toddler-proof our home.
With the help of the counseling center, my therapist, and psychiatrist, we amended my school schedule to make it more manageable. Now, I go to school for only fourth (the last) period each day to take either French or Foundations of Technology. I meet with a teacher at home for three hours per week for English and pre-calculus. I dropped all of my AP classes and severely limited my schedule. Frankly, I'm embarrassed. I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm doing the bare minimum, and even though that's what I have to do right now, I hate it. I've avoided contact with my classmates because I'm so embarrassed by my situation. I can't explain how spending all day at school was making me suicidal and hopeless, that my ability to think forward to the future was being compromised by the hour, that I lost sight of a future family, a career, college, and even graduation.
The greatest question that plagues me, that I need to understand, through science, philosophy, or any other subject, is why is my brain doing this to itself, and what puts a brain on the path to self-destruction? The agony is derived from the possibility that I may not ever have the answer.
In the meantime, however, I can at least try to take care of my sick brain and the other parts of my body. I've finally discovered the joy of yoga, and I understand why people who do yoga want to do it all the time! I try to go to a seventy-five minute class about five times a week. I'm trying not to give into the thoughts that make me want to hide under the covers and sleep for half a millenium. I'm making efforts to socialize (even if it is just a little bit), and I still love going to work a couple nights a week.
Overall, I am on the path to recovery. How long that will last, I don't know. But I'm optimistic that with this wonderful, powerful support network I have that I will make it to graduation, college, a career, and a future family.
On a side note, I have jumped to the twenty-first century! I have an iPhone now :)
So you can follow me on Instagram if you like. I'm @awkwardindiegirl
I've also been passing time by posting on my Tumblr lately. I try to post only beautiful, simple, and inspiring things. Here is the link: http://theawkwardindiegirl.tumblr.com
